The year is coming to its end. Another year is yet to start. My last post was ages ago. Promoting my new site. Lethargic (lame lame excuses)
I was planning to delete this blog. Erase the memories, even the happiest of thoughts written. I'm getting paranoid that someone is crawling under my bed sheets (uhum- u know what I mean). Like someone's watching me.
Aside of this (blogger) and Friendster, I also have an account with Multiply. Mas madali kasing mag upload ng sandamakmak na pictures doon. Pero kahit yoon, plano ko ng tanggalin.
Umiiral na naman ang sakit ko. Yeah paranoia. Sucks...
Do I really have so much of ghost (of x-mas past, shit!) that I feel so scared and alone? Shit! I can't still move one with this family thing. How many times do I have to accept that my family is wrecked. Nilunok ko na lahat. Nabara ata sa lalamunan.
People who knows me well, knows how fragile I am. Sensitive. Caring. I can give them the Universe if they ask me to. Ganon ako magmahal. And it hurts, to accept.., they weren't able to think of me on those trouble times. Na "what if" and "what should", and "she should know"... ehhhh, magulo. I was just trying to explain na I was hoping ---i could turn back time and she would somehow think of me and say to her self, "she loves me so much...I would hurt her if I would..."
But fuck, no she did not. No she could not. Lasing sa kaligayahan at emotions na noon lang nya yata naramdaman. Why do I have to understand and accept that fact?
Fuck. And I am saying na someone is sneaking over...here I am chattering....blah!
I know my Kuya would read this again. Sorry for acting bad bro. I want to stop and leave all this. Ayoko ng dalin pa sa 2008 ang lahat ng to'. Pagod na rin akong mag analyze.
Minsan naiisip ko, gusto kong mag retreat. Kahit iba yung paniniwala at pananampalataya ko. Parang gusto kong pumasok sa loob ng Retreat House ng mga catholics, kasi dun diba bibigyan kayo ng oras mag isa. dun ka lang. Tas mag iisip ka. Ikaw lang. Mag pepray ka. Kayo. Paiiyakin ka. Para lumabas lahat. May makikinig sayo. Iiyak kayo. Tapos, pag labas mo, parang bagong hugas ang mundo.
Shit. I want rehab! (ahahahaha!)
I need some place warm and peaceful. I want to be in some place where it is always dawn. Yung bukangliwayway lagi. Yung parang feeling laging puno ng pag asa. I am troubled inside I know. Everything is flushing down.
PMS ba to? o homesick lang.
P.s. -- I saw someone in the net. Not accidentally. I thought I just want to see whether he have any profile somewhere. I found it. I saw it. I almost cried. I was reading some of his thoughts. Its so sad. The person is still in pain. The same way that I do. I am blessed though, to have my bros and my hubby and daugther and 2nd family. They are really supportive. Otherwise, I would turn to a girl with umbrella...coz' it feels rainin' every day. I wonder why nothing changed with the person's situation. One thing that made me leave the person, coz' I can't guarantee the person hapiness. I can't guarantee that I'll always be Ms. Sunshine.
